New Beginnings … Again

Three years . . . three deaths. Marriage. Dad. Mom. Each have left significant marks on my life and all in all I’m richer for having known these.

These lives have helped shape my character, my will, my beliefs. Have taught me to love, forgive, to stand firm and understand the value and meaning of principles.

Now, as I move to the future, I have a rich legacy of memories, lessons and understandings to draw from and use as I begin anew.

The Value of a Life …

During the past two weeks the value of a life has been demonstrated many times over. Value measured not in Net Worth or things acquired but in lives enriched and bettered.

As the memories are shared and the moments of life recounted a common thread has emerged. A thread as fine as spun gold. A thread that brought joy, peace, encouragement and life to those it touched.

It’s easy to measure someones life by the size of their bank account, the car they drive or who they hang out with. It’s easy to look at the public records and see the recorded accomplishments but none of these tell the true story of the persons life. I’ve learned and relearned that instead of things the real value of a life is the way it lights the lifes of those it touches. The way others hearts are enriched and in the end, has the thread of that life brought light and life to those it touched or something else.

That the value of a life is best measured in the lifes of others.

Of Ceremonies and Goodbyes

Family and friends have drawn together and are going through there private preparations for the day. The morning is cool with promises of sunshine and the house, for the moment, is quiet. In a few hours everyone will gather at the church for her memory.

Her life, as did the life of the one she so loved, has shown that honor is a gift we give our selves by what we have given to others. Today, as friends and family gather, we’ll lift up her memory one to another and return to her this honor she’s bestowed on others.

Riding Through the Aftermath

A week ago, last Saturday, she became quite ill. True she had been feeling badly for a few weeks but it seemed to be just an uncomfortable case of stomach flu. Then without warning she suddenly worsened. Five days later she was gone. Now five more days have passed and we are hanging on as we ride through the aftermath.

Family, friends both known and unknown are calling, sending words of encouragement adjusting their lives to give honor to this person who so irrevocably touched their lives.

The past few days and nights have been incredibly busy, tumultuous and full of surprises. Soon people from all walks of life will gather for a few moments to give public honor to this diminutive woman who quietly gave of her self, her love and her means to others. Then, perhaps, the sea of life that roiled around her at her passing will calm and peace will once more settle on each of our lives.

Of Sleep and Passing …

The day, though touched with pain and the refusal of her physical self to wholly respond to her bidding, was filled with a multitude of joys, laughter and moments that etched the soul. Long conversations, quiet exchanges of twinkling eyes and the comfort of being in a moment with someone that can only be shared with a common foundation of love and respect were shared, given and shared again.

From time to time reality would step in and require some small action. A token given to buy a few moments more from fates demands. Calls and hasty plans were made for last minute meetings and through it all life bubbled and laughed with infectious joy brightening the hearts of all.

Time wore on and far too soon it came to an end. Hugs and kisses were exchanged; promises were made then each of us rushed into the night hoping to beat fates demands.

A moment passed, just an hour or two and we returned for a brief good night, hoping for another taste, no matter how small, of the delightful moments just had. But fate had closed its hand and no more tokens would be accepted. She slept quietly, her face peaceful, her breathing calm and steady. With hopes for one more tomorrow quiet touches and whispered words of love were left for her to hear and we turned to tend briefly to our needs.

Another moment passed, we caught our breath and sought one more draught from that well of shared joys but fate had played its final hand and when we arrived she no longer had the strength of body or heart to reach out in kind. Long minutes stretched into longer hours, and the day drug on. Friends and family left gentle words each in turn reaching out with their hearts to hers. Calls were made and the wait began for the final page to be turned and the book closed.

One more time we whispered our goodbyes. One more time we left promises to return. One more time we hoped for tomorrow and left for a moment to tend to life.

The morning dawned and with it came a call. The words were kind, the tone gentle … she had passed beyond the edge of her world.

Fate had taken its prize and we were left on this side but though she was gone in her place was peace. She now rested from a life lived well and we moved forward with treasured memories her love etched into our lives … at peace with her rest.

Illness at the edge of her world …

Four days ago life morphed within the space of a few hours. The healthy, vibrant and aged person who had brought me into this world went from mild discomfort of an apparent flu or intestinal irritation to full blown jaundice and a terminal diagnosis. None of which were foreshadowed by years of doctors visits and the requisite and routine tests.

The pain, confusion and roller coaster like events left all of us stunned and grasping at answers. This combined with the initial period of incoherent thought left us unable to discuss the matter with the one so affected.

Suddenly, based on mere scraps of information that were taken in often without known points of reference, life changing decisions were being made. Decisions that once made will ripple through all of our lives and the lives of those around us.

The weight of the moment was upon us and the choice to turn irrevocably to the right or left. Decisions that could not be easily undone, decisions that bore children and grandchildren each demanding attention, each a new choice and we wondered how far this rabbit hole would go?

Surrounded by bells, buttons, tubes, wires and other medical paraphernalia she lays in the bed afraid to turn fearing the loud bell that would herald any movement or shift in her position The pain that radiates up her back and through her body is nearly unbearable and the fear of the alarms noisy, raucous announcement of any movement she might make was also nearly unbearable. Bringing her to tears and cries of despair anytime she failed to keep her new masters of pain and fear satisfied.

We disconnect the alarms and comfort her as best we can. Gentle words, soft touches, holding, calming, reassuring. Then with fears calmed, and reassurances lovingly given, pain medications were administered and sleep … quiet, restful sleep came and greeted the tired soul.

“Et Tu Brutus?” You to …?

This statement uttered at the moment of realization of betrayal, of deception, when those held closest have turned, is repeated time and again.

The question is … how to deal with it?

An immediate reaction may be to shout “To Arms, To Arms”, or to plot quiet vengeance. Another reaction is to pull the shutters closed, batten down the hatches and close off the offense and the offender. Or to rant and demand explanations, then share my sense offense with others enlisting their aid or sympathy or whatever in my behalf. Frankly I must admit, in an effort to soothe my wounds and to seek redress I’ve tried all of these and more. Then I’ve found myself standing unfulfilled, unsatisfied with the results. Somehow the aftermath was more damning then the act of betrayal.

So, again … how to deal with it?

For years I’d heard and read about acting in love and turning things over to God. Giving thanks in (not for) all things. Certainly heard and read this but me, myself and I felt a sense of revulsion, of “No, Not THAT” at the idea and found it more immediately satisfying to react in kind plus and additional serving in return to the betrayal. Why it gave a certain Satisfaction! However, when the emotional dust cleared and the den of battle stilled the aftermath was still more damning than what I had bitterly contested.

As I thought about this I was reminded of the definition of insanity. “Doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results.”

Having nothing to loose I decided to try this other path and the results were quite unexpected. The hardest part was refusing myself the pleasure of striking back. Had to grab me, myself and I by the ear and pull us up short. But when the emotional dust cleared and the den of battle stilled the aftermath was filled with peace and a deep down calm I hadn’t had before and the sense of damnation wasn’t there.

This other path, following and doing what’s in the Word and the example given by the Word was better. Admittedly it’s not always easy to do but when I choose to follow this path instead of the other the lights always brighter and my sight’s always clearer.

So I ask myself, isn’t this a better way?